Habits make all the difference in life.
How happy or unhappy you are and how successful or unsuccessful you are, are the results of your habits. Because what you do on a daily basis (i.e., what you spend your time thinking about and doing) shapes the person you are, the beliefs you hold, and the identity you project.
So now, you want to improve and form new habits? How would you go about it?
In my expert interview series with Joree Rose, she explained the obstacles in getting unstuck and how to overcome them.
She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area in Northern California. “In addition to knowing that I always wanted to be a therapist. I knew that I was not going to be a traditional therapist”.
She wanted to show up completely, authentically, and it took her time to figure out how to do that. But ultimately, through a series of twists and turns that led her to figure out who she was, she discovered “Mindfulness” practice.
“Professionally, Mindfulness gave me the framework to show up in the way that I wanted to. Because I believe that my therapy practice is an opportunity for me not just to help people but to role model. One of my stories is that I woke up one day in my early 30s, and was just like, how did I get here? I didn’t remember consciously making the choices that I made to get to where I was. I just kept doing what was next, what was next, and what was next. And I thought I’ll be happy, fulfilled, aligned and everything will work, just like the way that I had in my mind or in my heart. And the irony was, I had the exact life that I really wanted, and yet something wasn’t right” she recalls.
That’s where “Mindfulness” came in, it taught her literally for the first time how to slow down and how to get out of her head. She shared that she had a trauma, she was raised with a lot fear and anxiety and believed that the world was unsafe, a scary place. But she had learned how to embrace the unknown, and recognize that that’s where her fulfillment and contentment resided, that’s where her authenticity existed.
Did you always believe that making a long-lasting change is possible?
According to her, she did not always believe making a long lasting change is possible.
“I think it’s because I didn’t see a lot of people around me doing it. You know, people are without judgment, this is observation, not judgment. People have a really easy time talking about what’s wrong in their lives. Right, we all could gather at a dinner party, if it weren’t COVID, we could all gather at a dinner party and easily complain about what’s wrong and find a lot of camaraderie in those in those complaints in those challenges. You rarely hear people talk about the change they wanted to make.”
“But you know, the strange thing is, we are all survivors, right? The mere fact that you’re listening to this right now, you’re breathing, you’re here right now, you’ve gotten through 100% of everything you never thought you could, right. So we have 100% success rate.”
“I think right now with COVID is the perfect example. We all made the change we all had to make, right? There’s not one person on this planet who was not having to realign their habits and figure out how to do something different once COVID hit. And yet as we begin to slow emerged depending on what’s the situation. Many people are starting to emerge into that post COVID world in a way where they’re automatically going back to those old habits and old patterns mindlessly.”
Why do you think we get stuck in old habits and find it hard to make a change?
Mindset
“The mindset is not necessarily easy to change. And it starts with the belief that you can change it. Bottom line, you know, I’ve got two teenage daughters. And since they were little, I’ve always told them as soon as you say you can’t, you’ve decided you won’t, you’ve already made the decision without even trying. But if you believe you can, there will be a way” she said.
Not clear intention or goal.
For example, I want to start waking up early or start using less social media, I would like to become an early morning person as a mom, because I was like that before, but now it’s hard. And for social media use, I want to reduce that. I have the mindset and I’m ready. But after few days of doing that change, I fall back into my old habit.
When I told Joree about that she immediately told me, “Those sound like great intentions, but what’s your reasoning behind it? Is it because you believe that you should get off social media? Is it an expectation from somebody else? Is it feeling that mom guilt that we have or shame? So that would be one of the first questions is to really get clear on why are we wanting to create this change. Is it in something that is in alignment?”
If you’re not clear on why you want to change the habits, it’s hard to enact them.
Focused more on the obstacle rather than what we can gain.
She said “I’m someone who loves to be able to get up earlier because I want to exercise every day, that’s something I needed to have for myself care. And if I don’t do it before I start my workday, I would need to do the exercise at six o’clock at night. Those first couple of days of setting my alarm at 6:30, it was really hard but as I lived there, I kept the mindset of if I get up, I can relax later at the end of the day at six o’clock. And I don’t have to expect myself to exercise later in the evening.”
So it’s kind of a trade-off. Be aware of what are you going to gain and not just what you are going to give up.
Joree also shared a very important example about this. It is one of the most life-defining moments for her because she realized that she could no longer let self-doubt stop her from creating change. She no longer focuses on the obstacle, rather focuses on the goal or intention or where she wanted to be.
“In 2013, during a retreat, they told us that we need to break a board, a piece of wood, it was placed on top of two cement blocks and in between, there was a meditation cushion. During that time, we had just done an exercise on self-doubt and how self-doubt.
“My very first thought that came to my mind was I can’t do that, I haven’t done this before and I kept saying it. The instructor asked us what’s the goal here?, we answered, well, you just told us the goal is to break the board. And he said, No, the goal is to hit the meditation cushion underneath the board is simply in your way. So I get up there. I kept on telling myself, I can’t do this. I put my hand up, ready to smash the board, and then, I didn’t really break it. And I said to myself, see, I can’t do it. I just confirmed that I couldn’t do it. So my self-doubt was accurate.”
“Out of 65 people in the group, only 6 people raised their hand when we’re asked to raise our hand if you didn’t break the board. So I was embarrassed. I felt shameful. So I got the chance to do it again. And something shifted in me, All of my energy, like my literal focus, was focused on the board.
The board represents our obstacles. The cushion underneath represents our dreams and where we want to go in our life. Those obstacles are in the way of getting to our dreams.
How to make habits easier to start?
“I would first off say start small. Meet yourself where you’re at, in a very compassionate way. Start so small that you can attain it, and then when you build on the success, you feel more momentum grow.” she shared.
“When people expect to create change, they’re immediately looking for a big change. They would expect a 90% shift. Instead, do a 1% shift. And then over time that 1% is going to grow. Because if you set too big of a change, it’s not going to stick.”
I, myself practiced this, I always wanted to read books, a lot of books but I never successfully did it. I just kept on buying books and not reading them. Until I discovered that, to start small. I was like, “I will just read one page per day before going to bed.” It became my routine, I was consistent, and then I started seeing good change.
Therefore, if you start with a big goal, you’re only human, and you’re most likely not going to meet it. And not meeting it is going to prevent you from continuing to try to complete it.
Is it possible to change somebody else, a family member, and how to do it?
“I wish I could tell you yes, you can change somebody else. All you can do is role model the change you wish to see. That’s all you can do. The only two things you can ever control are your breath and your response to what’s happening.”
“And especially as a mom, we don’t always role model the behaviors we want to see in our kids. So if you want to have your kids stop having temper or tantrums and calm down, you need to start off by role modeling that you can’t raise. If you raise your voice and tell them to calm down there, why would they stop their tantrum? You’ve just role-modeled the exact opposite.”
“So the very best way to create change and others is to enact it in yourself.”
“If you expect others to change, you’ll end up only frustrated and disappointed because expectations are the quickest path to suffering. So all you can do is through them. Even in couples therapy, I always say that they can’t change their partners. It’s an internal job, but you can role model.”
What’s your advice for moms who are finding it hard to role model being calm?
“I would say, connect with your breath. If you can find 30 seconds, a few times a day, just to pause and breathe, it’s going to calm your brain, and it’s going to calm your body. If you’ve got the ability to connect with your breath, it’ll prevent you from reacting. And you can also guide your kids on how to do the same.”
“So unless you give yourself a baseline of how to slow down and be present and calm down, it’s gonna be really hard in the moment when you’re triggered to enact that. Because when you’re already triggered, your brains already shut down and so your access to your tools has been cut off. So you’ve got to practice this outside of the moment of being triggered.”
You can also work with Joree, she has this amazing “Patient Parenting Course”, it’s the tools that every parent needs. Watch the video to know more about the course she offer plus a coupon code for our community. 🙂
Always remember this when you decided to make a change in your habit:
It starts with changing your mindset, changing the belief that you can change it. Then, be clear with your intentions and goals. And lastly, don’t focus on the obstacles rather, focus on your goal and on what you can gain.
Want more tips on well-being? Have a look at “What if you can reset and refresh in less than 5 minutes?”
